Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
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