Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
