You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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