our cab driver is having phone sex.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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