News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I didn't notice because vodka
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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