I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
