tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
