The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
