my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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