I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
