I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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