Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
i want to swaddle you in tequila
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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