this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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