I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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