i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Randomize
