grandma shit on top of the toilet
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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