Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
There was a lot of him and a little penis
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
That reminds me...we need to get swords
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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