i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
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