im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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