i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
If I die, sorry about rent.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
