My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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