I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
