I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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