My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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