Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
