i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Randomize
