i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
