The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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