Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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