Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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