I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
