im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
