I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
