If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
