Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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