I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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