Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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