wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
