Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
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my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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