i wish peter jackson would direct porn
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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