I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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