Rock
Scissors
Fuck
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize
