Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
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