She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
