we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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