Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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