I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Randomize
