this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
