Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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