her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
