i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
