the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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