the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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