Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
