You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
