I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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