gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
My vagina just recognized that song.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
